All these started with a small, less than an A4 size certificate that I won for a handwritin competition in class II. My parents were beaming with pride and my neighbours poured their affection on me by kissin me n huggin me. The certificate was neatly framed n beautifully hung up on the wall of my hall! The episode began... I started to write more neatly, to please my teacher... I started to win more credits, to please my parents... I started to love more passionately, to please my brother... I started to learn cookin, to please my mom... I stopped goin out wit ma friends, to please my dad's principles... I started to learn n say yes when i actually wanted to shout '
NO', to please my friends... I started to smile fakely, to please few of my(most hated) relatives... I started to compromise, to please relationships... I started to be more adamant, to please my ego... I started to be calm though i wanted to rage with anger, to please my image... I started to be formal even in confined family functions, to please my so-called future family(which my mom strongly believes could be any of my relatives' relative)... I started to ignore the presence of a lizard in the room, though m mortally scared inside to even sense their presence somewhere in the vicinity, to please the maturity of my age... I started to restrict myself to a simple smile when i actually wanted to jump, rejoice n celebrate somethin, to please my femininity... I started to learn things that i dislike the most in the world, to please my profile... I started to blow my own trumpet, to please the interviewers... N on N on N on...
So, here I am with determination at its full swing to draw a climax to this episode, letting go of my responsibilites, layin on the bed spendin lazy afternoons semiconsciously n subconsciously... though my cerebellum drenches my nerves with a sense of guilt n excavation without my knowledege ....ended up... pleasin my oneself.... shackled by the vicious cycle....
Though these are jus external factors, deep inside me n my heart, m still d raw, naive class II gal, who gets frightened by a heavy thunder & lightning and wants to catch her dad's arm sensing the ultimate feeling of security, who waves bye to ppl around, sittin on the petrol tank of her dad's bike waitin for the signal to turn green, who watches n admires every single thing on the street n describes all her fantasies to her mom, who still sucks her thumb while sleepin, who kisses her mom's soft cheeks with the cold, her own saliva soaked lips, who rolls on the floor n cries to get what she wants, who merrily sings n shouts on the road, least bothered about ppl around, who sobs n crawls on all fours outside the school gate, reluctant to get inside, who wishes herself first on her own birthday, who sleeps everynight effortlessly, who wants to grow up soon to become like her mom, who wants to use Aladdin's lamp atleast for one night to get all the chocolates n ice creams in the world, who feels sad that she alone was uninvited for her parents' wedding, who undoubtedly felt that she is always surrounded by her favourite ppl, who grabs the attention of the entire family, who misunderstood that school was d only hell on earth n college would be better................................ Leave alone a microscope, I am really cynical about even the efficiency of a nanoscope in helpin me find the original
ME in me.... How i wish i could relive my past... live it on my own terms.... Gosh.... 20 winters crossed......... Its getting hard to sink in me... i but JUS HAVE ONE LYF TO LIVE!!!!
(Not that i intended to please ppl, jus wanted to voice the general feeling about life today!!!!)
I dedicate this first blog of mine to d most adorable brother on earth achchu, to my parents who encourage me in every step of my life n to my cute little best friend Amulya who has always boosted my spirits n ignited d spark in me to write one!!!! thank u dears!!!!
